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My Girlies. :">
Friday, December 30, 2011 @ 2:11 AM
Before I go to Subic later (when the sun rises) to celebrate the coming of 2012, I'll take this chance to update on what I've been up to so far during my holidays. This is due to the fact that I'll be busy bonding and preparing with my family and relatives aaaand there might not be any way to access the internet once I'm there. Hihi.
So to start off, Refer yourselves to the picture below as you read the words in the parentheses. Here is Bianca (at the left most part) and Ivanne (to my left). They are my bestest friends in the whole wide universe. We've been together since freshman year of our high school days and well, we plan to stay together until the end :)
This picture was taken during our uh (I'll go wing it and say ) 3rd sleep over this year during our semestral break. We have this sleep over thing, which I soon predict will be a tradition of sorts. It's that every vacation time, we sleep over at Ivanne's house to have some bonding time, a break from our busy lives and just chill out, update, drink and pig out together. In short, just be ourselves and take a time out.
This second photo below was taken just a few days back during our sleep over, Christmas edition! Yeeeey. *____* For the first time, we dressed up and well, do what girls do, put on make-up, accessorized which then evoked the model in us and had a spontaneous pictorial at around 1 in the morning. HAHA. Which then produced the pictures you see above, the profile part, my twitter DP and facebook DP! :D
They are my most awesome girls. I love how every time I'm with them, individually or us as a trio, things are easy. I can say anything, be anything and do anything with them but still, they'd accept me. They take the effort to understand and listen to me. (not that my other friends don't! It's different with everyone, you know? :D)
I love how every time we have a sleep over, there's always something new bound to happen. It's always an adventure of sorts! It feels just like high school but with more freedom and we've evolved to a higher level of being. :))
I love that we can talk hours on end about the same things again and again. Memories and people who have passed. Things we miss and we don't miss. Our lives from then to now.
Being with Bianca and Ivanne brings out the girlier side of me which I believe, isn't that evident in my lifestyle. It's the fact that squealing over hot or cute boys in our range or raving over the most perfect pair of shoes or taking hours of trying on the perfect color of lipstick doesn't earn you a ticket to the land of the judged.
I love how our "love" for food, drinking, fashion, boys and well, the love for each other brings and keeps us together.
To my girlies, (which I hope, we will have a better name) I love you guys! Thank you for always making time for me even if we're facing our new reality that is college. >:D<
Random thought : Jumping thoughts are jumping. Just saying. =))
Just a passing thought among all others
Thursday, December 29, 2011 @ 3:35 AM
Reading through the things I've written and posted in my past blogs makes me realize how much I've been through. I just wanna hold the younger me tight and tell her that in the future, things will be harder, you will go through pain but eventually, everything will be better. That her life isn't all tears, anger and angst. That the world, corrupted as it is, isn't that awful. There's still beauty and worth in life, in the world. I want to assure her that no matter what anyone tells her nor whatever she goes through, She has to remember that you are who you are, you are awesome. You are loved, always. You have a God who is there for you.
I want to tell her to stay strong and that the best things are sometimes, simplest things in life.That the best days are yet to come, you just have to be patient. I want to tell her that there will be people who will hurt you, intentionally or unintentionally. Friends, sad as it may be, will come and go, that your family will be always there for you. Ironically, it will take time for them to accept you for who you are because of many complications that are beyond your reach.
I want to tell her to invest in your talents, to not be scared. I want to encourage her to dance, to act and to play music because it's part of who you are. It's a part of your life.
I have so many things to tell her, to let her know but then, If I do that, that girl wouldn't be me anymore. She'd be someone else.
So I just have to be thankful then, for everything that's happened. Thankful that so far, I've turned out better than anyone hoped for.
Continued
Tuesday, December 27, 2011 @ 7:42 PM
Yes, I am back from the province which has deprived me of internet and computer access. (But I believe it was a blessing in disguise, hihi.) and yes, I have calmed my tits down, and every other part of me.
As I read my latest post, I realize that more or less, I have expressed my distraught thoughts and organized them into intelligible words. Good job to me for trying to find my way through that hour of emotional instability. HAHA. K.
Moving on with more pressing matters, I must continue what I have started.
I am no longer crying my eyes out nor am I wallowing myself in self-pity, pain or anger and thankfully, I am no longer shouting profanities at empty space while holding myself together just in case I shatter into pieces at any time. (Which is highly unlikely but you get my point :)) ) Gone are the days that I suddenly break down when I can't take it anymore or when I have my period, either way I'm tired of letting whatever hold Paolo has on me, win.
I don't really care if word goes out that I made this post with Paolo Bolanos' name on it. It's not for him, this is for me. For my own well being, that I can accept the realities of my predicament and be able to live with it. As much as I want to deny every thing that ever conspired between us, I can't. It was real. Well, for me it was.
Those 5 months were real to me. The things I did, felt and said were done with a part of who I am. Again, I might sound melodramatic and "emo" even but you're still reading so that's not my problem is it? Haha.
Those gifts I gave, the meals we shared, cell phone calls and text messages we made, even dressing up for you! They were real to me. I believed most of the things you told me. I believed you when you said you wouldn't leave, that I'll always be the one for you. That we'd beat my grandparents and stay together for 50 years. I respected your requests of making more time for you, to not talk to other boys for your own security, to the point of meeting up with you at the expense of lying to people and the contents of my own wallet.
Maybe that's been always my problem. When I fall, I fall hard but gradually. I forget myself. And for someone who's smart, that's just stupid.
In the end, I believed you and shunned each and every doubt my friends, parents and I had for you, for us. But where did it leave me? On the plus side, I have a lot to be thankful for. My blockmates, friends and family know that. :) On the negative side, I'm left broken more than I was when we met.
I admit, I'm scared. I'm scared to fall again. I'm scared to get back in the game. But then I think about it, are romantic relationships worth the risk of losing yourself? I wonder. I haven't figured out that part yet.
Till the end, you lied to me Paolo. You lied to Katrina. Although you consistently deny it, I know that you and Rayya are together. I don't know for how long but I think it doesn't matter anymore. A friend of ours tells me that you did fail your subjects and in the process or aftermath (whichever) of it, you've lost time and interest in me and in us. That's one bit of truth I know I can trust. I don't know what your real reasons are for leaving but one thing's for sure. The one thing I need from you is the one thing you can't give me because you are too immature to be capable of giving it to me. Closure.
But then, Mom says that you'd be lucky to be given a chance to have a decent closure. Although its a right each one in any broken relationship has, it has become a privilege to those mature enough to do it.
I ask for nothing more but to leave me alone. I am happy, broken and shaken as I am. People may not see that but I know some feel it or do know glimpses of it. In the end, I am left to deal with my inner turmoil with the only person who can do something about it, myself.
I don't mean that God or people can't help me, they can and continuously have. I am truly grateful for those people who have helped me pull through, you know who you are. :) I love you guys.
So as the new year comes, I must accept the things that have happened, are happening and might happen. Forgive myself for the stupidity I put myself into and forgive you for your trespasses. I must learn to live through all my losses and make them beneficial to my existence so that I won't commit the same "mistakes" again.
To become stronger amidst the reality of being broken To be able to let go of you and move-on with life To be thankful to you for giving me one heck of a learning experience
Things I will achieve as I move into the next chapter of my life.
Bye Paolo, it was fun while it lasted. ;)
Inner Turmoil
Friday, December 23, 2011 @ 8:21 PM
This will be my most emotional post to date.
I'm actually just trying to control the chaos that's inside of me.
It's been 2 months since you left. You mother fucking asshole. You weak ass shit hole. I've been trying to move-on ever since we decided that things wouldn't work out anymore. I respected your reasons, turns out they were lies. Lies to cover-up the painful reality your coward personality couldn't bare to let me know.
I sit here typing words to release this madness that I thought I've dispelled. I keep wiping my tears as they uncontrollably fall down my cheeks. God. I write so melodramatically but then it's what I really feel. I do not write to please people, most things I do are not for the satisfaction of people who are insignificant to my life. They are for my own reasons.
More or less, I've calmed down. I just need to get this out my system so then, I can let go and move-on with my life.
I can honestly say that I am happy with my life. Although it's not perfect, I'm still happy with it.
I just can't fathom the fact that you played me asshole, and like the freaking stupid girl that I am, I let you. I let you come into my life and leave me just like that. I let myself be exposed to you and give you the satisfaction you wanted. I feel so angry. I feel so used. I know I can't change or erase those 5 months we had together. I know I should accept it but I can't forgive myself for the stupidity I've done.
Especially during the last weeks of August and the whole of September. I should've known. I should've listen to my instincts when they were telling me something was wrong. For a smart girl, I was fucked up dumb.
I admit that there might still be hints of bitterness in me. Can you blame me for feeling this way?
*just then some shit that's gonna make me rage like fuck happened*
to be continued when I have calmed down.
Teaser!
Thursday, December 22, 2011 @ 2:10 AM
My first week of my first Christmas break of college has been booked, busy and awesome. :">
Here's a sneak peek at my latest shindig! I am currently blogging from the bedroom of one of my best friends, Ivanne Laxamana ! ♥
Instead of drinking the night away, we decided to have a photo shoot in Ivanne's room since she can't drink! Bohoo. That's what she gets for getting a nose job. Kidding. Haha. She just came from the hospital after undergoing a minor operation so yeah, meds and alcohol don't mix well together.
Posting more soon! We'll be having a movie marathon till the sun rises. ;) Byee.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011 @ 10:16 AM
Hello dear readers of my self-proclaimed awesome blog! Before anything else, I would like to introduce to you Mr. and Mrs. Jay and Gina Bautista. Yeah, you guessed it, they're my pets. HAHAHAHAHAH. I'm kidding, they're my sperm and egg donors / life sponsors a.k.a
*drum roll please* MY PAREEEEENTS!
This post is dedicated to celebrate and greet my parents a belated Happy 19th Anniversary! ♥
So anyway, a little background info on their marriage and well, the story of my life. Hihi. My parents met in Bataan, Philippines and they were both working as teachers in the Vietnamese refugee camp. They taught these Vietnamese (some were half-american cause this was after the Vietnamese-American war) how to speak English and live the "American" way. They met in a bus, my dad was with his people at the back cause they're cool like that and my mom was forever alone in the middle. Dad was talking about his trip to Baguio that coming weekend and was asking his friends what souvenir they wanted. They were so noisy that my mom got pissed and well, interrupted their conversation and asking for strawberries even if they didn't know each other.
FAST FORWARD!
They got together for a year and in December 19, 1992, they went to church and got married. 10 months after, they had dundunduuuuun, yeah. ME! :">
This was December or November of 1993 where my parents got me baptized. Yeah.
They have been together for 19 years producing me, my brother and my sister and we are happy even if we live in a kinda small super messy house without a maid and noisy fucked up neighbors. We have each other and I'm blessed to have them as my parents. They may not be perfect nor always the best but they're mine and that's all I need. :D I love them to bits! (SHOUT-OUT TO MY BLOCK MATE BITS PEñARANDA)
I hope they don't separate or get a divorce or something. It'll ruin everyone's life. So more happy, awesome years to come. :D
Samson
Friday, December 16, 2011 @ 2:08 AM
"You are my sweetest downfall, I loved you first."
Breathtaking. The best word to describe dancers at their finest. Every movement fueled by genuine heart-felt emotions. Every leap, reach and tumble makes you realize that humans can be invincible. That with every turn and spin, its as if your world and very consciousness is captured.
Dance encapsulates a person's emotion and ideas in a continuous series of fluid movement. It overcomes inhibitions and becomes a medium of release. A conversation that disregards the need for words.
LAZY BONES
Thursday, December 15, 2011 @ 1:39 PM
Ohmygod. So much has happened this week and it's almost over. NOOOOOOOO!!!!
Oh well, nothing good lasts forever. Anyway, I want to blog about all my adventures this week but I lack the photos and words to organize these thoughts together so I guess I'll be doing them next week. hihi. I'm lazy that way.
I am currently in my school's library chilling with one of my bestfriends and being the bums that we are. Totally cut my last Math class for this year just to follow my impulse. Feeling cool kid kahit hindi. HAHAHA.
*JUST THEN MY WILD BLOCKMATES APPEARED*
Just when they appeared, I forgot what else I was supposed to type in this thing cause I switched computers and in the process, lost my train of thought. So yeah.
Hm. I guess I should just give an overview of what I'm going to be posting about in the coming dayss!
1. BOTANY LONG TEST 2. REHEARSALS (before, during and after) 3. ADVENTURE TO UP AND AA with Mert Andrade :"> 4. SM MASINAG ADVENTURE 5. PLAY I WATCHED LAST NIGHT 6. How much my legs hurt and I lack sleep 7. This awesome day that is today with an awesome friend. :D
So thereeeeee. I'll be updating soon with matching pictures if I can afford it. :)
I DREAMED A DREAM.
Sunday, December 11, 2011 @ 6:01 PM
I dreamt about you. You friggin person. Even in my dreams you invade my head. Ugh.
 I thought it was real, that you were talking to me and we were walking through the rain together under one umbrella. We were using my blue semi-automatic Fibrella umbrella my blockmate got me for my 18th birthday.
We were talking about work and well, about you too. We were joking around and laughing like we would during our short encounters. I wanted to know more about you but then guns started firing. I panicked like fuck and then I realized I was dreaming, so I woke up only to find out that our neighbor was pounding nails into god knows what.
I was going to go on rage mode but then I decided to check my phone only to realize it was already around 12 in the afternoon. I told myself, "I had no right to rage. :-j"
In the end this is what I get for sleeping at 3am and waking up whenever I wanted to. HAHA.
But then, I still think you're almost perfect even if you're not what I expected. I miss you, your energy and your smile. Hopefully, you haven't figured out that I like you. hihihi. *which is kinda impossible cause I'm so obvious about it*
Bee Happy! Like Jollibee. [pagbabago]
@ 1:45 AM
"Anong kulay ni Jollibee?"
M: "Red"
N: "Orange"
[uulit ng mga sampung beses mahigit]
M: "Ha? Color blind ka ba? Red kaya si Jollibee."
N: "Ano ka ba, kakulay ni Jollibee yung spaghetti, orange!"
M: "Hala, saan ka naman nakakita ng spaghetti na orange? RED KASI SIYA."
*makalipas ang ilang minutong pagtatalo sa kulay RED at ORANGE*
G: "Hay nako, Kentucky na lang kayong dalawa, PUTI, para walang away. Lahat ng kulay, naandun sa puti. Okay na kayo?"
N&M: "HINDI! RED/ORANGE KASI SI JOLLIBEE!"
*tawa ang lahat*
M: "Di talaga eh, Red siya. Gusto mo punta pa tayong Jollibee ngayon para lang mapatunayang RED siya?"
N: "Sige, tara!"
M: "Ngayon?"
N: "Ayoko, katamad. Basta orange si Jollibee."
M: "RED! PULA! Ano ka ba naman!"
*Patuloy na magtatalo ang dalawa habang tumawa hanggang sa kailangan nang umalis ni N*
M: "Basta, Red si Jollibee, oh! Hand hug muna!"
N: "Orange nga eh. Kulit mo din. Sandali, Ano yung hand hug?"
-naghand hug-
N: "Ang labo mo! *tawa* ORANGE PA DIN SI JOLLIBEE! Sige, alis na ako. *ngiti sabay alis*"
Si M ay naiwang nakangiti at tuwang-tuwa.
Ganyan nagsimula ang lahat, kay Jollibee. Nang nangyari itong kaguluhan, naisip kong magtanong sa mga tao kung ano nga bang tunay na kulay ng bubuyog na ito. Sabi ng aking Ina, orange daw. Sabi ng aking mga kapatid na nakababata, Red. Nang itanong ko naman sa mga orgmates kong nakakatanda, iba-iba ang kanilang naging sagot. Yung iba na kasing tanda ko, red ang sagot. Yung mga medyo nakakatanda na sa akin, hati, orange o di kaya'y red orange. HAAAY. Kawindang nga naman itong buhay.
Sa huli ay tinanong ko ang aking ama. Siya lang ang tanging nakapagbigay ng malinaw na sagot.
"Si Jollibee? Orange siya dati tapos ngayon pula na. Nag-iba siya sa paglipas ng panahon, depende sa kung anong nakakahalina sa mga tao. Syempre, negosyo yun, kailangan nilang bumenta para magkaroon ng pera. Kaya para bumenta, kailangan din nilang alamin at sumunod sa kulay na magugustuhan ng mga tao."
May punto ang aking ama, ang galing! Naalala ko tuloy bigla yung stuffed toy kong Jollibee nung mga 6 or 7 ako. Orange nga ata siya! [O baka red orange, basta may orange. HAHA!] Kaya sa pagdaan namin ng mga kalsada ng araw ding yun, may mga iilang Jollibee na branches kaming nadaanan at napansin ko ngang tunay na nag-iba nga ng kulay ang bubuyog. Pula na si Jollibee! Ang galing. Nakakaaliw.
Totoo ngang sa paglipas ng panahon, nagbabago nga ang mga bagay o tao. May iba't-ibang rason kung bakit nangyayari ang pagbabago pero di natin maikakaila ang katotohanang ito.
Pagbabago. Pagpapalit. Ano nga bang mga bagay ang kalakip nito? ~~~~
Masaya ako at naungat ang malabo pero makabuluhang diskusyon na ito, kahit nung una simpleng gaguhan lang siya. Talagang "there are more to things than meets the eye!"
Dahil kay Jollibee at sa di maunawaang kulay niya, nagkausap ang dalawang di magkakilalang indibidual. Salamat kay Jollibee at nagkaroon ng pagkakataon mangyari ang isang di mawari o inaasahang kaganapan.
Sa pamamagitan ni Jollibee ay naungkat ang ideya ng pagbabago sa aking kamalayan.
[part I]
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| May 2010 [camera namin] |
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| Late 80's or Early 90's [galing internet] |
Updaaate. :)
Wednesday, December 7, 2011 @ 7:44 PM
It has been about 18 days since I last posted something here. Therefore, I have been fucked up busy. I apologize. But then again, there are only a handful of you who know of this blog's existence. :))
I was supposed to post something happy but then, it's that time of the month for me and it's my first day so I feel rather down.
I won't put too much detail though, I just need to get this out my system. Random thoughts, that's all.
It's hard not to be around the friends you grew up with, in my case, my high school friends. It's not that I'm blaming them for not studying in the same school with me nor am I complaining about it, it's just, hard. I am "alone" in my current school cause they're either studying in Manila or on the other side of where my school is.
Don't get me wrong though! I love my college friends, they are awesome but still it's different. I trust them and everything, they're my family in school but it's not the same. There are just some things they have yet to understand about who I am and I know they will but it will take time. :)
I just miss being able to talk and not be judged. I miss the fact where I didn't care so much about what other people would think, say or do about me. I miss being so carefree and doing what I want without the stress of being bounded, rejected or failing. I miss being unlimited and free.
I thought being in college would give me this but as the months and days have passed, I'm slowly being proven wrong.
It's just so hard to be alive when what you're doing only makes you feel happy.
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