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Continued
Tuesday, December 27, 2011 @ 7:42 PM
Yes, I am back from the province which has deprived me of internet and computer access. (But I believe it was a blessing in disguise, hihi.) and yes, I have calmed my tits down, and every other part of me.
As I read my latest post, I realize that more or less, I have expressed my distraught thoughts and organized them into intelligible words. Good job to me for trying to find my way through that hour of emotional instability. HAHA. K.
Moving on with more pressing matters, I must continue what I have started.
I am no longer crying my eyes out nor am I wallowing myself in self-pity, pain or anger and thankfully, I am no longer shouting profanities at empty space while holding myself together just in case I shatter into pieces at any time. (Which is highly unlikely but you get my point :)) ) Gone are the days that I suddenly break down when I can't take it anymore or when I have my period, either way I'm tired of letting whatever hold Paolo has on me, win.
I don't really care if word goes out that I made this post with Paolo Bolanos' name on it. It's not for him, this is for me. For my own well being, that I can accept the realities of my predicament and be able to live with it. As much as I want to deny every thing that ever conspired between us, I can't. It was real. Well, for me it was.
Those 5 months were real to me. The things I did, felt and said were done with a part of who I am. Again, I might sound melodramatic and "emo" even but you're still reading so that's not my problem is it? Haha.
Those gifts I gave, the meals we shared, cell phone calls and text messages we made, even dressing up for you! They were real to me. I believed most of the things you told me. I believed you when you said you wouldn't leave, that I'll always be the one for you. That we'd beat my grandparents and stay together for 50 years. I respected your requests of making more time for you, to not talk to other boys for your own security, to the point of meeting up with you at the expense of lying to people and the contents of my own wallet.
Maybe that's been always my problem. When I fall, I fall hard but gradually. I forget myself. And for someone who's smart, that's just stupid.
In the end, I believed you and shunned each and every doubt my friends, parents and I had for you, for us. But where did it leave me? On the plus side, I have a lot to be thankful for. My blockmates, friends and family know that. :) On the negative side, I'm left broken more than I was when we met.
I admit, I'm scared. I'm scared to fall again. I'm scared to get back in the game. But then I think about it, are romantic relationships worth the risk of losing yourself? I wonder. I haven't figured out that part yet.
Till the end, you lied to me Paolo. You lied to Katrina. Although you consistently deny it, I know that you and Rayya are together. I don't know for how long but I think it doesn't matter anymore. A friend of ours tells me that you did fail your subjects and in the process or aftermath (whichever) of it, you've lost time and interest in me and in us. That's one bit of truth I know I can trust. I don't know what your real reasons are for leaving but one thing's for sure. The one thing I need from you is the one thing you can't give me because you are too immature to be capable of giving it to me. Closure.
But then, Mom says that you'd be lucky to be given a chance to have a decent closure. Although its a right each one in any broken relationship has, it has become a privilege to those mature enough to do it.
I ask for nothing more but to leave me alone. I am happy, broken and shaken as I am. People may not see that but I know some feel it or do know glimpses of it. In the end, I am left to deal with my inner turmoil with the only person who can do something about it, myself.
I don't mean that God or people can't help me, they can and continuously have. I am truly grateful for those people who have helped me pull through, you know who you are. :) I love you guys.
So as the new year comes, I must accept the things that have happened, are happening and might happen. Forgive myself for the stupidity I put myself into and forgive you for your trespasses. I must learn to live through all my losses and make them beneficial to my existence so that I won't commit the same "mistakes" again.
To become stronger amidst the reality of being broken To be able to let go of you and move-on with life To be thankful to you for giving me one heck of a learning experience
Things I will achieve as I move into the next chapter of my life.
Bye Paolo, it was fun while it lasted. ;)
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